Performance Tracking?

I am still thinking about a dream that I had earlier this week. I dreamed of a roller coaster. On it, drove a small car that raced up and down its tracks. It seemed as though it must be breaking speed records, but then I wondered, “How would I know if it is actually going as fast as I think it is?”. The answer came in the form of a small jet plane. It cruised right along with the car. No matter how fast the car went or which turns it took, the plane stayed faithfully with it. The nose of the plane stayed within inches of the car as it zoomed along. It appeared to be the perfect answer to the question of performance tracking. As the dreamed ended, one important piece of information was revealed: The plane was named "Shame”.

Performance is very much like a roller coaster. I have days where I am looking over the landscape of my life and other days where I cannot see beyond the dirt under my chin. It is the natural flow of my life. I cannot maintain a high level of performance, but thankfully, I never stay in the valley indefinitely.

I am learning that the need to measure my performance is based out of my humanity and my desire to save myself. Any time that I think that I might be performing well, it seems helpful to ask myself, “Do I feel acceptable now?”. I suspect shame and perfectionism are closely connected because the answer will always be, “No, not acceptable yet. You need to perform at a higher level, but you can proud of how you much you are doing to perfect yourself!”. It leads to comparing myself with others who seem to perform at a much higher level which in turn leads to envy, self-loathing, and finally, a more intensive effort to perform. Yikes, that was exhausting just to write about!

I am in the middle of walking this out. I believe that Jesus will not abandon me. I know that God will bring me to a place where I do not equate intense labor with acceptability. Recently, I dreamed of being in the workplace. It was a familiar setting, but I was different inside. As I quietly worked, I noted that straining in my work was no longer a requirement to feel that my contribution was effective. There is a time coming for me when I will be able to enjoy life and to enjoy relationship without being self-centered in my perspective. I am continually praying for the grace of God to keep moving in that direction.

Giving Up My Religion

This week, I dreamed of a visit by Jesus to Earth. I saw a large restaurant/bar before me. Around it hovered a cloud of dust that hung like smoke. From the building came the sound of many voices in mingled conversation. I had the sense that the people inside were of this world's system and not of those who knew Jesus as Lord. Jesus stepped up to the outside of the building and began to blow with his lips. The dust gradually dissipated until the air was clear. He started to speak to the people that were inside. He was not angry, but he spoke with a firm voice. At first, no one heard him. As he continued to speak, people started to hear his voice until all were silent.

I could not make out what he was saying, but his tone was amazing. He spoke with an authority that made it easy to yield to him. As I stood listening, I bowed my heart before him. It occurred to me that I would be happy to spend forever listening to the sound of his voice. It made me feel very secure inside. Once he was done speaking to the people in the building, he approached me briefly. I do not have a clear understanding of what he did next in the dream, but what he did carried a clear meaning: Jesus is not religious at all. As the dreamed ended, I was saying, "I might have to give up my religion". I had discovered that Jesus was something more than I had imagined him to be, and I knew that I would have to let go of what I wrongly thought what he was.

Growing up as a Christian, I knew that Jesus was not like those of this world's system, those that we call "worldly people". So, I imagined that he had to be like us Christians. After all, we are his representatives to a lost world, so he must be like us. I do not believe that I ever thought it explicitly, but it seemed to be a logical assumption. The truth that I get from my dream is this: Jesus is not worldly but neither is he religious. Generally, I would consider myself to be very non-religious, but my proof is only that I am less in this way or that way than those folks from the church across town. To be honest, that sounds a little like the self-righteous man who justified himself before God because he was not like worldly people.

Jesus is not like us. God is in the process of shaping our inner person to resemble Jesus' character, and we are called to represent him. In spite of those facts, I am not very like him, nor do I represent him well to others. Do not get me wrong. I often think that he belongs my school of thought. I congratulate myself inside that I represent him better than some other folks. The reality though is that he does not think the way that I do. He is not religious like I am.

As Father begins to pour out his Spirit about the Earth, Jesus will encounter both the worldly and the believing. We are going to find out very quickly that he is everything that he says is and yet far different that what we confidently believed he was. We have compared him to ourselves and have believed that he is just like us. We are about to find out just how wrong we were and how wonderful he actually is. As we start to receive a deeper revelation of who Jesus is, we will either be so offended that we will hate him or we will be changed to resemble him as he truly is. He is not religious like we are today, and he is coming to strip religion from us.