Performance Tracking?

I am still thinking about a dream that I had earlier this week. I dreamed of a roller coaster. On it, drove a small car that raced up and down its tracks. It seemed as though it must be breaking speed records, but then I wondered, “How would I know if it is actually going as fast as I think it is?”. The answer came in the form of a small jet plane. It cruised right along with the car. No matter how fast the car went or which turns it took, the plane stayed faithfully with it. The nose of the plane stayed within inches of the car as it zoomed along. It appeared to be the perfect answer to the question of performance tracking. As the dreamed ended, one important piece of information was revealed: The plane was named "Shame”.

Performance is very much like a roller coaster. I have days where I am looking over the landscape of my life and other days where I cannot see beyond the dirt under my chin. It is the natural flow of my life. I cannot maintain a high level of performance, but thankfully, I never stay in the valley indefinitely.

I am learning that the need to measure my performance is based out of my humanity and my desire to save myself. Any time that I think that I might be performing well, it seems helpful to ask myself, “Do I feel acceptable now?”. I suspect shame and perfectionism are closely connected because the answer will always be, “No, not acceptable yet. You need to perform at a higher level, but you can proud of how you much you are doing to perfect yourself!”. It leads to comparing myself with others who seem to perform at a much higher level which in turn leads to envy, self-loathing, and finally, a more intensive effort to perform. Yikes, that was exhausting just to write about!

I am in the middle of walking this out. I believe that Jesus will not abandon me. I know that God will bring me to a place where I do not equate intense labor with acceptability. Recently, I dreamed of being in the workplace. It was a familiar setting, but I was different inside. As I quietly worked, I noted that straining in my work was no longer a requirement to feel that my contribution was effective. There is a time coming for me when I will be able to enjoy life and to enjoy relationship without being self-centered in my perspective. I am continually praying for the grace of God to keep moving in that direction.

Ice Cream Makers and Sabbath Rest

Two weekends ago, I commented to a friend that I would love to have a hand-crank ice cream maker. My family owns a small electric unit, but the concept of making ice cream purely by hand seemed magical. That next week, I walked into the local thrift store. There on the shelf, it waited for me: An original Richmond Cedar Works hand-crank ice maker.

I knew that God had postured me to receive it. There was something to cause me minor concern though. I paid $6 for it. Later in the week, I found myself researching the prophetic meaning of the number six. Among other things, it can mean “Human labor contrasted with God’s rest” and “Rest (six full days bring us to seven : rest)”. There was an immediate connection between the concept of human labor and laboring to make ice cream, but I could not reconcile that with the belief that God had blessed me with the unit.

On the following Sunday, we mixed up the ice cream custard base, purchased ice, and got to business. We cranked and cranked and cranked. We figured that the ice cream would be ready when the crank was too hard to push. Sadly, the plastic beater broke in half. No more ice cream maker.

I was deeply confused by this. How could God bless me with a hard to find item and then allow it to be so easily broken? It was only as I thought about the $6 that it came together for me: We are moving from our labors into the time of God’s Sabbath rest. What worked in those six previous days will no longer suffice on the Sabbath.

Many of us have worked hard for God. We have seen little fruit for our labors, and we have taken comfort in the sweat, tears and sacrifices that we have made for God. Now, it is the end of our labors. God is about to do something in our time that cannot be earned. It cannot be qualified for through human labor. He is causing every place of “Look at what I accomplished for you, God!” to be broken beyond repair. We are beginning to transition from boasting of our works to boasting of God’s works.

Do not grow discouraged as your best achievements unravel. The brokenness being produced will allow God to use us in a way that far surpasses our finest labors. It is just the end of who we are in this world’s system and the beginning of who we are in Christ. Abandon the ideals of human perfection and acceptance. It is time to sit in Daddy’s arms and know that we are loved as His children.

More of Whom?

Growing up in the church, I was fortunate enough to take part in many high energy meetings. Those attending “pressed into God”. We prayed passionately and worshiped intensely. God showed up in many of those meetings. Rich measures of the prophetic were released. There was a sense of God’s presence that would fill the room. What starts with effort must transition into rest. There is a place of abiding, and the enemy of abiding is striving.

The religious spirit will take a passion for God and warp it into a sincere but exhausting performance for God. It says, “You experienced some of God because you exerted effort in spiritual disciplines. You must increase your effort to keep experiencing God”. The resounding cry of “More of God!” seems authentic, but it can move from hunger to desperate hunger to just despair.

A few years ago, the Holy Spirit showed me a truth about what he wanted from me. During a time with him, God told me that there was a room deep inside my heart. He wanted to fill that room, but he could not get into it. I saw the room completely caked over with paper mache that been formed from newspaper. I had no idea what he was talking about. It was not until a time of soaking worship with friends that it came to me. God was telling me that words spoken by others had stuck to me. The reports and opinions of men that formed a hard shell, causing me to become closed off in a deep place of my heart. I would imagine that I am still walking out the application of what God showed me. Just as there was a span of time between revelation and understanding, there is a span of time where healing is taking place.

At a couple of times in the last decade, my prayer life has shifted just slightly. I have found myself moving from “God, give me more of you” to “God, have more of me”. There is a place of intimacy with God. We have to press through the distractions to reach that place. When we have reached a place of being able to hear God’s voice though, the most gracious Person in the universe is waiting for us. God is not moved by our effort. He drew us to himself. It is in that place of intimacy that God wants to experience us and to fill every part of who we are. I believe that the cry of God is that we would let him fill every part of our heart. He wants more of us.