Performance Tracking?

I am still thinking about a dream that I had earlier this week. I dreamed of a roller coaster. On it, drove a small car that raced up and down its tracks. It seemed as though it must be breaking speed records, but then I wondered, “How would I know if it is actually going as fast as I think it is?”. The answer came in the form of a small jet plane. It cruised right along with the car. No matter how fast the car went or which turns it took, the plane stayed faithfully with it. The nose of the plane stayed within inches of the car as it zoomed along. It appeared to be the perfect answer to the question of performance tracking. As the dreamed ended, one important piece of information was revealed: The plane was named "Shame”.

Performance is very much like a roller coaster. I have days where I am looking over the landscape of my life and other days where I cannot see beyond the dirt under my chin. It is the natural flow of my life. I cannot maintain a high level of performance, but thankfully, I never stay in the valley indefinitely.

I am learning that the need to measure my performance is based out of my humanity and my desire to save myself. Any time that I think that I might be performing well, it seems helpful to ask myself, “Do I feel acceptable now?”. I suspect shame and perfectionism are closely connected because the answer will always be, “No, not acceptable yet. You need to perform at a higher level, but you can proud of how you much you are doing to perfect yourself!”. It leads to comparing myself with others who seem to perform at a much higher level which in turn leads to envy, self-loathing, and finally, a more intensive effort to perform. Yikes, that was exhausting just to write about!

I am in the middle of walking this out. I believe that Jesus will not abandon me. I know that God will bring me to a place where I do not equate intense labor with acceptability. Recently, I dreamed of being in the workplace. It was a familiar setting, but I was different inside. As I quietly worked, I noted that straining in my work was no longer a requirement to feel that my contribution was effective. There is a time coming for me when I will be able to enjoy life and to enjoy relationship without being self-centered in my perspective. I am continually praying for the grace of God to keep moving in that direction.

Giving Up My Religion

This week, I dreamed of a visit by Jesus to Earth. I saw a large restaurant/bar before me. Around it hovered a cloud of dust that hung like smoke. From the building came the sound of many voices in mingled conversation. I had the sense that the people inside were of this world's system and not of those who knew Jesus as Lord. Jesus stepped up to the outside of the building and began to blow with his lips. The dust gradually dissipated until the air was clear. He started to speak to the people that were inside. He was not angry, but he spoke with a firm voice. At first, no one heard him. As he continued to speak, people started to hear his voice until all were silent.

I could not make out what he was saying, but his tone was amazing. He spoke with an authority that made it easy to yield to him. As I stood listening, I bowed my heart before him. It occurred to me that I would be happy to spend forever listening to the sound of his voice. It made me feel very secure inside. Once he was done speaking to the people in the building, he approached me briefly. I do not have a clear understanding of what he did next in the dream, but what he did carried a clear meaning: Jesus is not religious at all. As the dreamed ended, I was saying, "I might have to give up my religion". I had discovered that Jesus was something more than I had imagined him to be, and I knew that I would have to let go of what I wrongly thought what he was.

Growing up as a Christian, I knew that Jesus was not like those of this world's system, those that we call "worldly people". So, I imagined that he had to be like us Christians. After all, we are his representatives to a lost world, so he must be like us. I do not believe that I ever thought it explicitly, but it seemed to be a logical assumption. The truth that I get from my dream is this: Jesus is not worldly but neither is he religious. Generally, I would consider myself to be very non-religious, but my proof is only that I am less in this way or that way than those folks from the church across town. To be honest, that sounds a little like the self-righteous man who justified himself before God because he was not like worldly people.

Jesus is not like us. God is in the process of shaping our inner person to resemble Jesus' character, and we are called to represent him. In spite of those facts, I am not very like him, nor do I represent him well to others. Do not get me wrong. I often think that he belongs my school of thought. I congratulate myself inside that I represent him better than some other folks. The reality though is that he does not think the way that I do. He is not religious like I am.

As Father begins to pour out his Spirit about the Earth, Jesus will encounter both the worldly and the believing. We are going to find out very quickly that he is everything that he says is and yet far different that what we confidently believed he was. We have compared him to ourselves and have believed that he is just like us. We are about to find out just how wrong we were and how wonderful he actually is. As we start to receive a deeper revelation of who Jesus is, we will either be so offended that we will hate him or we will be changed to resemble him as he truly is. He is not religious like we are today, and he is coming to strip religion from us.

Ice Cream Makers and Sabbath Rest

Two weekends ago, I commented to a friend that I would love to have a hand-crank ice cream maker. My family owns a small electric unit, but the concept of making ice cream purely by hand seemed magical. That next week, I walked into the local thrift store. There on the shelf, it waited for me: An original Richmond Cedar Works hand-crank ice maker.

I knew that God had postured me to receive it. There was something to cause me minor concern though. I paid $6 for it. Later in the week, I found myself researching the prophetic meaning of the number six. Among other things, it can mean “Human labor contrasted with God’s rest” and “Rest (six full days bring us to seven : rest)”. There was an immediate connection between the concept of human labor and laboring to make ice cream, but I could not reconcile that with the belief that God had blessed me with the unit.

On the following Sunday, we mixed up the ice cream custard base, purchased ice, and got to business. We cranked and cranked and cranked. We figured that the ice cream would be ready when the crank was too hard to push. Sadly, the plastic beater broke in half. No more ice cream maker.

I was deeply confused by this. How could God bless me with a hard to find item and then allow it to be so easily broken? It was only as I thought about the $6 that it came together for me: We are moving from our labors into the time of God’s Sabbath rest. What worked in those six previous days will no longer suffice on the Sabbath.

Many of us have worked hard for God. We have seen little fruit for our labors, and we have taken comfort in the sweat, tears and sacrifices that we have made for God. Now, it is the end of our labors. God is about to do something in our time that cannot be earned. It cannot be qualified for through human labor. He is causing every place of “Look at what I accomplished for you, God!” to be broken beyond repair. We are beginning to transition from boasting of our works to boasting of God’s works.

Do not grow discouraged as your best achievements unravel. The brokenness being produced will allow God to use us in a way that far surpasses our finest labors. It is just the end of who we are in this world’s system and the beginning of who we are in Christ. Abandon the ideals of human perfection and acceptance. It is time to sit in Daddy’s arms and know that we are loved as His children.

Clay Pots with a Choice

God is the process of forming us into the likeness of Jesus. It is a collaboration though. We can actually chose to work against what God wants to accomplish. When that happens, he decides on a different outcome for us and begins to shape our lives accordingly.

“Woe to him who strives with his Maker!

Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth!

Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’

Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’?

Woe to him who says to his father, ‘What are you begetting?’

Or to the woman, ‘What have you brought forth?’” - Isaiah 45:9-10

From my perspective as a clay pot, I do not understand what God is forming me into it. Many times, I have been angry and discouraged because I felt that my life was less than what I had hoped for. Yet, I am a clay pot in process. I cannot see the final product. Galatians 6 tells me that I will reap a good harvest but only if I do not lose heart. This process requires patience.

A few years, I dreamed of a small vegetable garden. I had been tending this garden of mine for a period of time. It was my custom to identify defects on the plants and to remove those defects. This particular time, I noticed that I had missed cutting away some defects on a plant. To my surprise, I saw that I now had fruit growing on that plant! All along, I had been cutting away immature fruit because I believed that it was a defect that I needed to rid myself of.

As I looked for Bible verses that speak about the relationship between the Potter and the clay, I was reminded of how crucial it is that we respond quickly to God. He works in us “to will and to do”. Oftentimes, he will work in us in a way that does not seem "spiritual", and he will lead us on a path that we would not have picked for ourselves. He can be trusted, but he will not demand that we trust him. God is amazing in the way that he has chosen us to be his workmanship and yet given us the ability to effectively decline him and to cause him to take an alternate path. I want to be sensitive to his heart, so I can work humbly with the Potter.